What Are You Seeking Today?

Each day we wake, we have an opportunity to make the best, purposeful 24 hours that we can including getting the appropriate amount of sleep.

Stuck in traffic could mean an avoided accident for you. A flat tire may have slowed you down to put you in a position for a door to open. Those kids who can never get ready on time just gave you a couple more minutes of time spent in their presence.

Purpose to do and face all things on this day with peace, love and joy in your heart.

Nag Diaries - Ramblings of a Mediocrity laced vacation........

Boy I've been fighting that word all of my life.  Sometimes I can't get out of my own way and live the life I know God wants for me.  It's like I have these invisible weights on my feet and on my mind...dragging my feet behind me...whispering thoughts of negativity - you can't do it, you're getting old, what about your asthma, who's gonna take care of your daughter while you do it and the big one - WHERE YA GONNA GET THE MONEY TO TRAIN???
GOD - IF TEARS WERE DOLLARS I WOULD BE A BILLIONAIRE 3 TIMES OVER.
Fact.  I don't know how I'm going to do it.  Fact. I KNOW I have to do it.  Fact. Why am I here if not to just do it?


I promised my mom once.  When she was in jail of all places....I wrote her a letter.  One of those angst filled letters of missing someone too much and struggling with "becoming"  - I think I had to be like 14 or something.  I promised her something.  And I have reneged on that promise far too long. 


Flash forward - I remember laying in my aunts guest bed.  Moon shining down on me through the window in Long Beach, CA.  I had just left Phoenix behind to let it and the people there go to hell on their own.  I remember.  I said Lord, please bring my mom home and stop her from using drugs.  I begged him to help me.  I begged him and apologized for the things I had done at age 14 - 16.  I begged him.  Then my grandfather died. And God continued to silently wait on me.


16 years later - here I am. God is still waiting.  We've had lots of fights.  I've been a sometimey friend.  He's chastised me.  Broken me.  Reminded me. Provoked me. tapped me on my shoulder a couple of times. Pushed me to the back seat.  I promptly and pridefully put him in the trunk, jumped in the drivers seat and gunned it.  He slowed my getaway with painful awakenings.  It's time to wake up. I ran out of gas more times then I approve of.  He didn't care. It was my fault anyway.  I needed a major tune up - He was there.  My wheels went flat but He was my run flat tire. I lost control MANY times, crashed and burned. He paid the deductible and fixed me.  Even when I was a total loss. 


I still had value, so he never left me. 


My aunt passed away last week. She was young. She was sick. She was a mother & grandmother.  She loved God.  He loved her more.  She is gone.  She didn't take care of herself until it was too late.  I don't want that to be me.  I don't want to leave this earth where the only thing I leave behind is this blog which doesnt really tell you who I am.


Mediocre.  Word origin - French. Meaning middling height or state.  Also related to the word Medial - pertaining to a mean or average.  With a name like mine - there is NO WAY God made me to be Average.  I think not.  I have made me average.  Blending in to the backgroud.  Voice silent. No more.  I am done. 


It's time to wake up.  So  I will take my left leg with 1 plate and 9 screws in it.  I will take my 4 miscarriages. I will take my mistakes - 2 abortions and some unsavory goings on in the dark - smirk.  I will take what the media has said is beautiful and toss that in the trash.  I will take the fact that Asthma plaques my body.  I will take the fact that I am overweight.  I will take the fact that yes my husband had an affair 2 years ago and I stayed - I love him and he has shown me he loves me.   I will take the fact that I've had a 21 year long affair with mediocrity.  I will take the fact that my father has been absent all of my life.  I will take the fact that my mom was absent for the years that mattered.  I will take the fact that I am mean sometimes because of these things.  I allow them to fester within and manifest itself in my behavior. 


What I will not take is another 21 years of it.  So I will take all of those things.  Remember them.  Use those things to fuel my mediocrity into Greatness.  I will take those things.  They will no longer take me.  It's time to wake up.