Maybe that is what the problem is - you know within me.
So let me get real for a minute.
Before I met him, I was full of romance novel love confusion.
It didn't take much or too many words to get me going. I had a knack for attracting cute guys. Me - attract cute guys??? I couldn't quite figure that out. Still don't understand it to this day. But there they were, throwing themselves at me. And me dodging them so they wouldn't land on me but flat on their faces.
In 2nd grade Billy gave me a cute stuffed mouse at the end of the school year. In 5th grade I beat up Joshua for saying he liked me. I liked Danny in the 5th grade. Danny like Angelita. It was not a made for TV movie. She was cute and Latina - I was black and lacking.
1990
Phoenix, AZ
I was eleven and so IN LOVE with Danny. I had a thing for white boys. This is Scottsdale, Arizona. My arch enemy was also in love with Danny and was nastily making her way towards me as we waited in line outside of class.
Angelita flipped her hair and walked up to me with Cha-Cha in tow. Damn Cha-Cha - yesterday she was my friend but today....."Ahem. Es-scuse me, but do you shower???" Angelita asked loudly. Angie and Cha-Cha didn't even wait for an answer but laughed and got in line.
Danny was standing right behind me. To say I was mortified would be like asking if beef came from a cow - DUH!!!! I had never been asked that. "Do I shower?" What the heck does that mean? Of course I shower, with a washcloth and everything. Girls are so mean.
Angelita asked Danny out that day but all I could think about was the shower I was going to take when I got home. I can't believe I even remember that. Hmm.
At 16 I met Champagne. He. Was. Delectable. He followed me off of the bus on my way to school. I ignored him. He called himself Champagne. But man was he cute AND from Belize so he had that whole accent thing going. Kind of like R-Kelly BUT 100 times more good looking. He was older. I was used to that. I was rarely interested in guys my age. They got on my nerves and were soooooo, young acting. But Champagne.....oh, Lord forgive me but that man oozed sex out of his toes.
I ignored that too.........
March 11, 1997 Los Angeles, CA
I nerdily sashayed to the bus stop. The Laundromat was coming up at the corner and ugh creepy Craig would probably be outside watching my butt again. I pushed that thought down, stared straight down at the ground and concentrated on trying not to trip. One foot in front of the other. Ew, someone spit a lugie right there. What is that on my shoes......I thought and like the sun sets, tripped on the sidewalk. "Dangit!"
"Hey gorgeous!" "Hola, mamacita....." and some rapid fire Spanish followed. I glanced up briefly and frowned. So disgusting these men are. I had been dealing with disgusting men since the summer I woke up and breasts had invaded my upper chest deciding they would hang around for the long haul. After being flat chested and watching my older sisters Double D Dolly get so much attention, the invasion was a much needed ego boost. I loved my girls. The problem with that was, so did all the hormonal men with nothing better to do but ogle me like a flopping fish on the sidewalk.
Whatever, I thought. I was too busy trying not to fall & decide whether to go to school or catch the 310 bus all the way down Crenshaw Blvd to Hollywood just to turn around and come back. Bus fare was free since I had my bus pass. I could stay on the bus all day and people watch. *Sigh* so many choices so little time.
Creepy Craig had made his way to the edge of the parking lot of the Laundromat. "So when you coming to wash clothes? I got some quarters for you." Craig said, jiggling his pocket.
"My granny already washed them. Sorry, here comes my bus." I tripped up the steps of the bus and flashed my bus pass. Bus was not quite full yet so there were plenty of seats. I flopped down in an outside seat facing forward. I really didn't want anyone to sit by me.
Rule 1 in Public Transportation Discomfort - Most people will not want to cross over you to sit down. Why? Because they would then have to make the choice between a full frontal or butt kiss. Who wants to have to squeeze their butt in front of your face to sit down and you possibly have to smell their butt in the process?That was my secret - social Discomfort. Sit in the outside seat keeping the inside seat empty and hope no one is too comfortable with their butts and fronts to wave it in front of you and sit down.
As the bus rumbled down Crenshaw picking up the futures of tomorrow, I knew in the back of my mind I would go to class that day. Charles might be there. Just thinking about that tall dark choco-sickle made me smile. I could feel my face relaxed into a dreamy goofy smile. "Ow!!" I cried as a backpack smacked me in the face.
"Sorry, NaLonni." Johnathan said. "It's ok. Whatever." How the heck does he know my name???? I had been daydreaming for so long, I didn't even notice how full the bus had gotten and thus failed to follow Rule 2 in Social Discomfort:
2. If you sit in an outside/aisle seat, you risk being hit by various objects hanging from the arms, hands and backs of other bus riders. Therefore - STARE OUT THE WINDOW and keep your face averted.Great, I thought - clearly irritated. Now I hope my face doesn't swell up like I got beat down. I have always believed I had hypersensitive nerve endings which caused my skin to react in weird ways. There is a name out there for it - somewhere.
One time I scratched myself on my lip - just barely touched it when reaching to scratch my itching scalp. My top lip swelled up 3 times it's size - my lips are big enough - this was not right. I looked like a sambo! Lip was red, hot and huge. Good thing I was on my way home from school on that day; I would have just stayed on the bus to Hollywood rather than explain to some nosy dumb classmate about my lips condition that doesn't even have a name and suffer the humiliation of some random sex joke made by one of my genius classmates.
"Canni, I shit there?" "What?" I snapped out of my daydream, holding and rubbing the side of her face. "Canni shit here?" I looked down at the finger pointing at the empty seat and followed the finger to the hand. Hand to the arm, arm to the shoulder, shoulder to the neck and finally neck to face. De-lect-able. I tried not to focus on the fact that I was eye level with shit guys crotch. But it was right there. I glanced upwards.
I have never been keen on keeping my face calm. Usually whatever I am feeling plays out like a video on my face. My stomach clenched and the word diarrhea started. "Damn. Why is his crotch so close???? He's cute but did he say can he shit here????"
"What?" The cute shit man said. "No your crotch.....I mean, you can sit here." I stammered. I turned my knees out and inched over a little bit, trying to make what little room I could for cute shit guy to squeeze in. "Oh God, front or butt, front or butt??," I thought - panicking. As his butt passed my face - I prepared my nose for the onslaught. Nothing. Whew!!!!
I tried my best to ignore the shirt and thigh touching me. Why do guys have to sit with their legs all gaped open so much? Shit guy sat in the window seat in the only way guys do - they need room for their sacks but try to be sexy at the same time.
In this case, I really didn't mind. Cute shit guy was humming some song and my ears had perked up. Dangit he would have to be sitting on my left side. Right next to my bad ear. What was he humming?
"R-Kel-ly." Cute Shit guy said. I whipped my face towards cute shit guy. "You are NOT R-Kelly. Are you?" I asked and looked closer at his face. He looked way better than R-Kelly and hey, I was 16 so........
"Was humming R-Kelly - 12 Play - you asked what I was humping." He kind of ran his words together as only someone with English as their second language can.
My face flushed. This was one good time I really appreciated being black and dark skinned.. That made blushing a truly secret event. "I'm sorry I didn't realize I said that. Out loud."
"Thas aarait." Cute shit guy said in his thick accent. "I'm Champ Pain."
What? Was this some kind of code/language island guys were using these days to hit on women, I thought.
"Ook." I said and averted my eyes, deciding to ignore the sexy nut slouching guy.
My stop was coming up. I had excuses to come up with for my AP English class and shit guy was telling me he was in pain. I could feel the crease between my eyes forming.
"My name es Champagne."
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