When I was 18 I got pregnant by my high school boyfriend. He was petrified. I was happy because one of my aunts once told me, "get a guy who has nice hair or have a mixed baby, so you don't have to struggle combing your kids hair!" That is the first thing I thought of when I found out I was pregnant - my baby gone have good hair! LOL! Looking back at that I was so goofily impressionable, young and dumb. I ended up miscarrying and I remember being in so much pain and being drugged in the hospital that I patted the nurse on the cheek and called her Peppermint Patty.
I believe it was a year later and I was pregnant again. My boyfriend - same guy talked me into having an abortion. I agreed.
It has been something that has plagued me for years. Women don't really believe that having an abortion will affect your body but it does, mentally and physically. My mind was really messed up after that.
In all I have had 2 abortions, one live birth and 4 miscarriages. Seven times my body was going through a change - rearranging itself for new life but only once did I see that change follow through.
My last two miscarriages with my husband were devastating. For everyone. It has been a hard journey, getting to a place of acceptance and understanding - a place where I don't ache anymore but I am here.
Now my husband and I have the opportunity to add an 11 and 17 year old to our household. I'm fine about that, not about the politics of it all. I am also kind of in a corner. I want to move back to California - I don't think I can do that anytime soon with these new developments.
See, my Aunt (on my husbands side) lost her battle with cervical cancer last week, leaving behind her 11 and 17 year old daughters along with a 28 year old son (I believe my cousin is 28 - I could be wrong). Instant 5 member family we now have. You know when she was still here, we took care of the girls from time to time, the younger one basically lived with us. But now, it's real.
I am really thankful though. Because I have lost 2 children through miscarriage/death and gained 2 children through death. It's a blessing really. So I will pray long and often to do the right thing and try to make the right decisions, to let some things go, to put my worries and cares on the Lord because God knows I am unemployed right now, I will also trust and keep my faith - it has waivered from time to time.
I don't know where we will be next year around this time but for now, prayers are welcome.
2 comments:
Interesting way that things come full circle. I, too, have had to lose a dream because of the effect a loved one's illness has had on my family. It is painful to give up something that seems so important now, but you have no idea what you are going to gain. Faith means accepting that now is not the time for one dream, but believing that there is a gain of a new one that is even more beautiful because its time is now.
Love and Praying for You! -Erin Marie
I really needed that Erin. Saying it has been hard is a TRUE understatement. So thank you so much for your wisdom. I needed it!
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