The Final Straws in the Bale of Hay

I’m getting tired of this.  I feel like I am……shrinking, like who I am or who I was or believed myself to be is slowly fading into everything that makes up each day of my life:  my daughter, my 11 year old, my 17 year old, my husband, my brother in law.  Am I growing weary in doing the things that I agreed to do?  No.  I am in a “parent” season.  I understand that it is my responsibility to make sure I am there for my daughters –   (I think of all of them as my daughter) as well as my bro-in-law. 

But.  Who am I? 

I helped my brother in law enroll in college last week and I got that itch.  I got excited about the classrooms.  The syllabi.  The grades.  Online class discussion forums.  Being the first to submit a response.  Being the first in class.  Spiral notebooks.  I’m a copious note taker.  THE BEST.  I wish I could get paid to go to school – like professionally – I love it. 

I really wanted to be back in school again.  So I enrolled.  In community college.  In Gulfport.  I have never, in my college or educational career, have seen a more empty college campus. 

Yet, there I was.  Signing my application – in pencil for that matter.  All giddy and bubbly on the inside. 

Then I promptly dropped the classes.  I knew deep down I don’t want to go back to school and major in Early Childhood education – I’m an actress for Whoopis sake.  But for some reason, I just feel lost in the business of my life being flipped upside down.

I can’t even think about what to say about it.  I just know that I have had enough final straws to make up a bale of hay.