Testing, Testing, 1...2.....3

Source: http://newint.org/features/1999/08/05/testing/ 

As I wrote a post regarding my latest miscarriage, the Lord reminded me that although we are tried and tested, we are not consumed. He is with us always and we should NEVER become so carnally minded that we forget Jesus continues to intercede for us during our times of trial and testing. 

We would like to believe that our trials can be completed just like tests we may take in school but God has another plan for our trials. Take for instance the instructions below for test taking.  I found it therapeutic to compare it to what God says.  I hope you do too. 

Testing, Testing, 1...2....3


Step 1. Do Not Open the Test until you are ready to take it.  Find a time to take the test in which you will be free from interruptions. Let friends and family know you will be occupied.

Ha! That is thing with the trials of life. We have no clue what time or place a test of life may occur. In school, tests are scheduled. We are told what to study for and how to prepare - we get a leg up.  I'm not saying God doesn't prepare us for trials and test because he does.  He tells us in scripture:

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

So as we go through the trials of life, we have to remember, we may be going through the fire, but we still have children, jobs, husbands and every day life to STILL yet live. We cannot allow those things to become neglected. Ever.

The only thing step one is right about is letting friends and family know you will be occupied. God says we are not to suffer alone: 

"Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one person alone keep warm? - Ecclesiastes 4:11

Don't do as I did. No one from my church family knew about what I was suffering through. I hadn't been to church in a month of Sundays. I used every excuse not to go. Then I got angry because no one really comforted me except someone I barely knew - which I am EXTREMELY thankful for.

How can people help, if you don't ask for it? If you are suffering, tell someone. We need each other.  It is in our silence that the enemy is able to work on our hearts and minds to drive it into destruction. 

25 And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near. - Hebrews 10:25 

Step 2. Do Not Use the “Back” Button on Your Browser During the Test once you have begun taking it. Instead, use the button on the screen to move back to check earlier questions. Don’t close the window of the test for any reason.
If something goes wrong, send an e-mail to your professor immediately, documenting the exact problem and asking how you should proceed. Include your username and the course and section number.

That back button is something else. We like to keep looking at the past when we are going through something in the present, usually for a negative reason. 

But what does God say: "But Jesus said to him, "No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." - Luke 9:62 NKJV

If you are going through a test, have acknowledge that you are going through "something", my friend, you have already put your hand to the plow. Looking back on past times, asking yourself why, thinking regretfully about opportunities missed will only cause more worry, depression and anxiety.   

On the other hand, it is sometime GOOD to remember the times God has brought you through something. This type of remembrance teaches and reassures us that if God could do it for us that time, he can do it again.  We only have to remember, and in faith, believe he is able to do more than we could ever hope for or ask. 

Don’t close the window of the test for any reason.

Suicide is at an all time high. I would be a liar if I said this has never crossed my mind.  It has. Many times.  Too much. I decided to start journaling again.  As I flipped through the pages of my journal (I've had it since meeting my husband) I realized that every, single, entry had the same theme - wretchedness. Hate. Wanting to die. Wanting to give up. Asking God what was wrong with me.  I have been battling depression and was completely oblivious of it.  

I have no idea when it started.  I only know that the cold tentacles of despair have been choking me for years. How could I not know? Me, so full of faith and trust. Was I lying to myself? Yes. Was I hiding my sadness. Most definitely. Do I have to continue doing so? Holy no!

If something goes wrong, send an e-mail to your professor immediately, documenting the exact problem and asking how you should proceed. Include your username and the course and section number.

God tells us we are to cry out to him in our time of trouble. We can tell him anything! He knows us by name!  

7 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles.

But so many times our voices are silenced by mental health issues and our vision clouded by confusion.  I would advise ANYONE suffering with mental health issues to not be silent but seek out help. Tell someone.

For me, I didn't want anyone to know. But there is hope. My husband I decided that I should seek professional help. But until that time, God is there. We may battle with illness, whether it be mental of physical, but God gave his life so that we may find strength in him. 

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Step 3. Review All of Your Answers Before Submitting the Quiz. Make sure you have not accidentally changed your response to a question or made a typographic mistake.

Oftentimes, when we pray about our situation, or take our issues to God, instead of leaving them there we take them with us, just to fret over them all over again. God doesn't tell us to cast our cares on him for nothing.  He knows in our humanness we would like to be the fixer of every situation. But in our humanness, God knows that we can't.  When we continuously try to do Gods job by carrying around our burdens, it can make us physically sick and confused. 

If we trust and have true faith in God, then how can we second guess who he is and what he says he will do if we would only ask?

6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

We also at times begin to second guess our decisions. When I went through my recent miscarriage, I blamed myself. A lot. I thought, if I had only quit my job, my baby would still be alive.  I wished desperately that I had taken the steps to quit.  But second guessing is not of God. We have to understand, that every decision, whether we think it is a good or bad decision, God is going to work it out for our good.   

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28

Step 4. When you are satisfied with the result make sure you finish by clicking the SUBMIT button at the bottom of the screen. Click the Submit Button ONLY ONCE!  After you submit the test answers, you will see a confirmation page that the test has been submitted.

I am so thankful our trials are not like tests in school or the real world. Although our trials may end, we can still thank God for all he has done for us. He tells us to count our blessings, to name them one by one. If we are strong and endure through our trials, God will exalt us, in his time. 

We have to give the Lord time.  That is one of my biggest issues. I want my result RIGHT NOW. And I try to get it myself if I don't hear from God on my time clock.  

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

It is how we wait, that makes the difference.  While we are waiting on the Lord, we should continue to praise him. Thank him for his goodness.  Be content in our situation.  I know it is hard.  I want to pull the rest of my hair out sometimes.  But I can go to God about that too. 

We can go to him as many times as we want and he will have an ear for us.  No matter what.  That is his promise. 

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Be blessed and remember:

Source: Picture Quotes.com

You Can Get Out of Bed

This week has been hard.  Only God knows the struggles I have each day within my marriage and in my family.  And everyday is a struggle just to do the right thing.  My husband said something to me yesterday that broke me down on the inside.

Parents really don't know what they do to their children.  They can crush them deep on the inside.  This is something my husband struggles with.  I hate it.  It affects everything from being a father, brother, son and husband.

It also makes me question my faith.  I keep feeling this deep, bottomless, hopeless feeling where I cannot understand why in the world are we here.

Is this it?

Why is it that some people are able to persevere and pull something from deep within to achieve the desires of their hearts and others struggle just to get out of bed? Or some people who totally don't deserve half of their success are able to enjoy their lives with not a care in the world and no regard for God at all.

Is it a curse?

I know God is real.  He has to be.  Because I could not possibly go through this much crap for nothing.

I see my life changing, my husbands too - the vision is there.  But this journey is kicking my fat behind.

Sorry for the whomp whomp feeling.

I wonder just how many wives out there seriously deal with having to build up other people with no one there to build them up?  Why did God task us with the emotional part of being human.

I lay in my bed last night saying to myself maybe it would just be easier if I died.  That longing for the pain and drained feeling just wont go away.

*sigh*

Tomorrows another day though.  So there is still time.  

And Life.

Womb in My Heart

I read today about the top 25 parent bloggers who are changing the world on Babble.com.  The immediate feelings of underachievement and inadequacy flowed over me in waves. I keep telling myself - I'm not a blogger.  Really, I'm not.  I just every once in a while like to put my crazy thoughts on paper, but in this case on my electronic journal AKA - my blog. 

Hey Skinny!

You never really start paying attention to your skinny until you don't have it anymore or at least until it runs and hides behind layers of life and despair.  Whether it be all those fast food stops, late night snacking, emotional eating, an out of control thyroid, pregnancy or just a "what the ef ever" outlook on food.

For some of us, our skinny is hidden under genetics and just bad body make up.  It's just not fair.  There are people out there who NEVER consider their skinny.  They wear it like a Harry Potter invisibility cloak. 

For instance, in middle school there was this perfect girl - perfect hair, perfect make-up,  perfect clothes.  I would just sit back and watch her.  Not all stalker-ish because this was the early 90s, but I would see her on the bus, not a hair out of place.  

That 
crap 
irritated 
me.

I didn't hate her.  I don't even think I envied her.  I asked God what the heck  did I do wrong to be born like this?  Like, Lord, did you think you needed to make it any harder for me to find my niche in this world?

I was black, I had a big nose AND lips and motherland boobs that looked like two flat saucers hanging from my chest - I could have been one of the many extras on the Shaka Zulu movie. "Shaaakaaa!"

Sorry about the visual.

I had finally gotten the boobs I really didn't want - or thought I wanted; they came so quickly, I didn't know what to do with them.  I just know that I prayed an wished so hard for a nice set that when I finally got them, I could no longer wear a bathing suit WITHOUT a bra.  What does that tell you boys and girls - well girls anyway?  That Judy Blumes mantra, "I must, I must, I must increase my bust!" just flat out didn't work!

The first time I noticed my skinny, I was barely 15 and I bought a skirt, a jean wrap skirt.  It was cute - took me forever to figure out how to put that sucker on.  When I finally had it on, I was so uncomfortable.  I mean my legs were showing!!!  I had no clue about my skinny.  It was just eking to be noticed, just a little.  There was no one around to notice my skinny - nothing positive anyway.

But I hated my body.  Not with an obvious hate.  A neglectful hate. I had no interest in my body or it's progression into womanhood.  It was just.....there - the vehicle that carried around my head.  I didn't care about going through puberty (cept for my saucer boobs)  all those things fell on my sister - she was the oldest so pubescent milestones fell in the shadow of an afterthought.  

Like what's so exciting about the 2nd born child getting boobs?? Rah, rah, rah.

Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy.

I could kick myself as I look back now.  My poor skinny.  Battered, bruised, beaten and left for dead on the side of the road.  Did she cry?  Did my skinny fight violently for attention?  Did my skinny stare back at me in the mirror, screaming silently as she slowly faded into obese oblivion?  

Those few times that I actually looked in the mirror - my skinny was staring right back at me.  Shaking her head in that, "Oooooooohh, you done done it now!" way.

Skinny, how long have you sung My Heart Will Live On?  

"Far too long", she replies.

Taking Skinny For Granted

So I changed the name of my blog - again. This time though I hope the name will stick.  Since so much of the last couple of years have been focused on my health, I believe I need to start paying attention and quit playing around.  Hence, the new name - TA DAAAAA!  

The Final Straws in the Bale of Hay

I’m getting tired of this.  I feel like I am……shrinking, like who I am or who I was or believed myself to be is slowly fading into everything that makes up each day of my life:  my daughter, my 11 year old, my 17 year old, my husband, my brother in law.  Am I growing weary in doing the things that I agreed to do?  No.  I am in a “parent” season.  I understand that it is my responsibility to make sure I am there for my daughters –   (I think of all of them as my daughter) as well as my bro-in-law. 

But.  Who am I? 

I helped my brother in law enroll in college last week and I got that itch.  I got excited about the classrooms.  The syllabi.  The grades.  Online class discussion forums.  Being the first to submit a response.  Being the first in class.  Spiral notebooks.  I’m a copious note taker.  THE BEST.  I wish I could get paid to go to school – like professionally – I love it. 

I really wanted to be back in school again.  So I enrolled.  In community college.  In Gulfport.  I have never, in my college or educational career, have seen a more empty college campus. 

Yet, there I was.  Signing my application – in pencil for that matter.  All giddy and bubbly on the inside. 

Then I promptly dropped the classes.  I knew deep down I don’t want to go back to school and major in Early Childhood education – I’m an actress for Whoopis sake.  But for some reason, I just feel lost in the business of my life being flipped upside down.

I can’t even think about what to say about it.  I just know that I have had enough final straws to make up a bale of hay. 

Nag Diary 9.6 - The Storm

I am going through a lot right now. I don't think I have ever thought about suicide so much in my ENTIRE life. I don't understand. It's like that picture to the right.  I took that picture when my husband and I went on our Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives wedding anniversary trip.  The sun is covered by storm clouds but some of it's rays are peeking thru.  I am the sun and life right now are the storm clouds.  Let me run it down:

If it isn't bad enough I'm dealing with Aiden being gone, I go and accuse my husband of something so stupid instead of just being his wife and recognizing that he is human. I was mean to him last night, he left for a while and didn't sleep with me in the bed. I hate that. I woke up this morning at 3am paying for my stress dearly with insomnia and migraine nation.

As soon as I got in my car, 10 minutes late, I turned on the radio to my daily Chuck Swindoll broadcast. Lo and behold, his message this week is Hope, After I Do. Talk about God Smacked! 

Chuck Swindoll:  ....it's not up to us to change our husbands, it's up to God to make them Good and for us to love them (I'm paraphrasing)
Me: **blubbering uncontrollably with snot and tears running down my face, trying hard to see through my tear stained glasses, doint 65mph on the highway***
Chuck Swindoll: ....women adorn themselves being submissive to their own husbands just as Sarah was to Abraham......(listen to the broadcast)
Me:  I had a Diane Keaton crying moment.....groans and all.  It was pathetic

Diane Keaton Crying - The best bloopers are a click away

When I got to work, my face felt "this" huge and all hot.  Boy I'm glad I'm dark skinned or else everybody would have thought I just had a steam bath on my face.

I tried working but couldn't even focus so I came home only to find out I was stabbed in the back, front, side AND leg by someone that I used to be very close to. I wont besmirch this person but it was so painful.

I was so angry at first.  Like really angry.  Then I was so hurt that all I could do was just pray for this person.  Now my husband on the other hand is not that forgiving.  I wont repeat what he said but.....let's just say, I'm not going to California for spring break anymore.  *sigh*

On a brighter note, my big sister prayed for me today.  Doesn't seem like much but if you know me then you know my sister has never been in  a place where she would willingly pray for me as my big sister.  We have never been close.  Always at odss, both of dealing with the repercussions of a single parent so deep into their addiction that we are scared for life.  I am so thankful for her.  Wow.  I never thought she would be there for me like that...my sister.  I mean we hated each other at one point in our lives and now TODAY she prayed for me.  God is good.

Blog Templates

Are they all done by Josh Peterson?  And who is this Josh anyway?

Huff.....Iron.....Fire Power

I went to three Estate sales today....and overpaid for 3 items.......I was so huffing mad that I didnt pay attention. Oh well. I bought an "antique Iron aunt jemima, train set and Milk Cart with horse and rider...WHY?  I dunno.
I really want to eat those girl scout thin mints in my closet right now.......like 3 rows of em.  But Jen keeps me in line.

I DID have a thin bagel sandwich from Einstein Bros......it was soooo good.  Could eat those suckers everyday but I wont.

Caught the tail end of Night at the Museum 2 and finally got to see The Thinking Man do his "ay yo, ova heah, boom boom, fire powwa.....FUNNY!

..........oh for crying out loud I'm done.

Sunday

Today is Sunday and I am quite reflective. I sit here now with my eyes closed and my heart open pouding out these words to my blog because I have no one else to talk to. I cant begin to describe just how much God means to me. Everytime I think about those things that could have been and werent my spirit leaps within me. Even now, I am so joyous that my Lord sees fit to give me one more chance. Me, imperfect, with my jealously and anger, unbelief at times, confusion, sorrow - all those things I have within me and God still says - it's ok.

This weekend I painted my daughters rooom - MY DAUGHTERS ROOM! Two years ago we lived in a 4 room house and both my daughter and I slept on a sofabed for almost seven years. But God saw fit to bless us and I am thankful. So Lord if it ever seems like I dont care, or my faith is lost in the traffic of the many days that blow past me - I am still here and all Glory goes to God for keeping me.

What man is this that he would die for me so selfishly when I deserve death myself for the things I have done and thought? What man is this that comforts me at midnight and brings me joy in th emorning - the birds that sing outside my window everyday tells me of the righteousness of God - his Grace and mercy - even the birds sing to his praise. I will magnify the Lord. For too long I have been lazy and slow to give him praise. There is too much happening in this worldd right now that I cant lose focus on Who made everything and is ultimately in control. Oh Lord if you would pour out your spirit and fill my cup Lord so that I may be your servant - with everything that I am.

I often wonder why last year I lost with job with the fed goverment so unjustifably - but God lets me know that all increase comes from him and in order for me increase he has to take some things away that might make me lose focus on Him. How gracious is my Lord!

I have been trying for almost two years to have a baby because there is nothing like creating a thing, nurturing it and giving life to it. I havent gotten pregnant yet but God says to me - NaLonni, I gave you life in the form of your daughtger who is my child and your Angel. The light within her is so bright - nurture it, nurture her and see wont I pour out a blessing and fill your womb so that out of your belly will flow living water. Lord I say, thank you. I have killed at times the gift within me that you gave to every woman because I couldnt take responsibility for the sin that I had committed - so if you never bless me another child - Lord - you have done more than enough. If you never bless me for the rest of my life - I will still give all praise to you, my Lord God, who saved me.

Yeah

My life was kind of uneventful today in the sense of the "real world"...........

6:45am - Get ya lazy but outta bed.
7:01am - People in Texas really dont know how to drive!!!!!!
7:40am - Great baby girl is late again because the traffic on the 30 was horrendous
8:00am - 3:30pm - Volunteering is good! went to my daughters retarded school (teachers are great, administrators need heeeelp), volunteered at the Scholastic Book Fair - WOO HOO - picked up my daughter - she was honored today with a certificate for making honor roll - OH YEAH! Came home, checked my email - NO NEW MESSAGES
4:15pm - Drove to Ft. Worth to pick up Granny, stopped to get gas - Goooing Doooown
6:00pm - Stopped at my little bros high school to pick up brother and brothers friend - Me: "Are you really in weight training Marcus cause I really dont feel like picking you up;
7:00pm - Came home checked email - From: UT Arlington, Message: thank you for applying but we have selected another candidate - REPEAT FIVE TIMES
9:00pm - and now this - blog.