Christmas Presents

So this past week marked the beginning of the Daniel Fast for many people all over the U.S. Last year I participated in the Daniel Fat and wouldn't you know it - my girls practically whined me to death so they could participate as well.

I was so honored and happy! I mean even if the real reason why they want to participate is because they know I'm going to cook everyday - who cares! I'll take that!

We did well last year; we did fall off for like 3 days though and it was HARD.

This year, the Daniel Fast kind of coincided with the beginning of my change of diet plan. I was eating very well, nothing but veggies, fruit and whole grains.  I also exercised.

Throat Tears and Bumpy Chins

Last night I had a bad dream. I was pregnant. I was so excited. I thought, finally, another chance at it again! My dream ended with me taking a pregnancy test.

The test was negative.

I woke up with tears in my esophagus and my lungs tight with asthmatic heartache.  It was 4am in the morning. 

Not only was it just a dream but my dang lungs were only working at like 75%.  Wheezing like a teapot calling for relief.

Every month it's the same thing.  I check my Woman's Log on my phone, look at the little flowers dotting the days.  They represent when I am supposed to be ovulating.  I don't really track whether or not I am in "get me pregnant" mode but I always rush to my phone to track the days when the sudd-muffin and I get together.

A quick squeeze to my boobs - check for soreness.  A fluttering of fingers over my chin - because after losing one of my Fallopian tubes, I now get acne on my chin every month when aunt flow visits.  There was one bump there.  Of course that could be attributed to the Little Debbie brownies I ate this week.  Little Debbie and not Hostess - couldn't find any dang chocolate icing donuts! 

Didn't need them anyway.

I also pay close attention to my attitude: am I a bit snappy?  Did that librarian really piss me off? Is my sudd-muffin a little too touchy right now? Did Rina's blonde moment NOT bring a laugh to my lips?  Did my sudd-muffin just give me one of those breath stealing kisses and my laughter bubbled and fell hard against his lips causing him to back away slowly in disgust?

Yes, si, Ja, Haji and yep.  It's like I took TWO pregnancy tests in one day.

Therefore, Aunt Flo is right around the corner. 

I have a plan though.

I'm going to elope. I'm going to eat lot's of period delaying foods as well as embark on a herculean athletic mission. To further delay Aunt Flo's arrival. 

Then, I will use Bing's search engine (because I need more Bing points to buy Starbucks gift cards) to look up herbs I can ingest to FURTHER delay Aunt Flo's infamous anchorage on my butt, belly and hips in the form of bloating, increased desire for junk foods and extreme fatigue.

Finally, as my body waves a long goodbye to Aunt Flo's retreating back with my middle fingers of all things, I will crawl under by bed covers.  I will purge by letting this emotional dam break to flood my pillow and mattress with the postpartum depression laced tears that have wed in the pools of my tear ducts for the last year.

Or better yet, I'm gonna just eat an Entenmann's chocolate doughnut and succumb to the inevitable. 

It all sounded fun though. 

In the middle of this post my sudd-muffin must needs to know what the heck Pit Bull means when he says "Dale". 

I could only laugh out loud as he slides his hands up and down my arm and repeats the phrase...."Dale"......- unbeknownst to him the content of this blog post.

I love my life.

You Can Get Out of Bed

This week has been hard.  Only God knows the struggles I have each day within my marriage and in my family.  And everyday is a struggle just to do the right thing.  My husband said something to me yesterday that broke me down on the inside.

Parents really don't know what they do to their children.  They can crush them deep on the inside.  This is something my husband struggles with.  I hate it.  It affects everything from being a father, brother, son and husband.

It also makes me question my faith.  I keep feeling this deep, bottomless, hopeless feeling where I cannot understand why in the world are we here.

Is this it?

Why is it that some people are able to persevere and pull something from deep within to achieve the desires of their hearts and others struggle just to get out of bed? Or some people who totally don't deserve half of their success are able to enjoy their lives with not a care in the world and no regard for God at all.

Is it a curse?

I know God is real.  He has to be.  Because I could not possibly go through this much crap for nothing.

I see my life changing, my husbands too - the vision is there.  But this journey is kicking my fat behind.

Sorry for the whomp whomp feeling.

I wonder just how many wives out there seriously deal with having to build up other people with no one there to build them up?  Why did God task us with the emotional part of being human.

I lay in my bed last night saying to myself maybe it would just be easier if I died.  That longing for the pain and drained feeling just wont go away.

*sigh*

Tomorrows another day though.  So there is still time.  

And Life.