Testing, Testing, 1...2.....3

Source: http://newint.org/features/1999/08/05/testing/ 

As I wrote a post regarding my latest miscarriage, the Lord reminded me that although we are tried and tested, we are not consumed. He is with us always and we should NEVER become so carnally minded that we forget Jesus continues to intercede for us during our times of trial and testing. 

We would like to believe that our trials can be completed just like tests we may take in school but God has another plan for our trials. Take for instance the instructions below for test taking.  I found it therapeutic to compare it to what God says.  I hope you do too. 

Testing, Testing, 1...2....3


Step 1. Do Not Open the Test until you are ready to take it.  Find a time to take the test in which you will be free from interruptions. Let friends and family know you will be occupied.

Ha! That is thing with the trials of life. We have no clue what time or place a test of life may occur. In school, tests are scheduled. We are told what to study for and how to prepare - we get a leg up.  I'm not saying God doesn't prepare us for trials and test because he does.  He tells us in scripture:

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

So as we go through the trials of life, we have to remember, we may be going through the fire, but we still have children, jobs, husbands and every day life to STILL yet live. We cannot allow those things to become neglected. Ever.

The only thing step one is right about is letting friends and family know you will be occupied. God says we are not to suffer alone: 

"Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one person alone keep warm? - Ecclesiastes 4:11

Don't do as I did. No one from my church family knew about what I was suffering through. I hadn't been to church in a month of Sundays. I used every excuse not to go. Then I got angry because no one really comforted me except someone I barely knew - which I am EXTREMELY thankful for.

How can people help, if you don't ask for it? If you are suffering, tell someone. We need each other.  It is in our silence that the enemy is able to work on our hearts and minds to drive it into destruction. 

25 And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near. - Hebrews 10:25 

Step 2. Do Not Use the “Back” Button on Your Browser During the Test once you have begun taking it. Instead, use the button on the screen to move back to check earlier questions. Don’t close the window of the test for any reason.
If something goes wrong, send an e-mail to your professor immediately, documenting the exact problem and asking how you should proceed. Include your username and the course and section number.

That back button is something else. We like to keep looking at the past when we are going through something in the present, usually for a negative reason. 

But what does God say: "But Jesus said to him, "No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." - Luke 9:62 NKJV

If you are going through a test, have acknowledge that you are going through "something", my friend, you have already put your hand to the plow. Looking back on past times, asking yourself why, thinking regretfully about opportunities missed will only cause more worry, depression and anxiety.   

On the other hand, it is sometime GOOD to remember the times God has brought you through something. This type of remembrance teaches and reassures us that if God could do it for us that time, he can do it again.  We only have to remember, and in faith, believe he is able to do more than we could ever hope for or ask. 

Don’t close the window of the test for any reason.

Suicide is at an all time high. I would be a liar if I said this has never crossed my mind.  It has. Many times.  Too much. I decided to start journaling again.  As I flipped through the pages of my journal (I've had it since meeting my husband) I realized that every, single, entry had the same theme - wretchedness. Hate. Wanting to die. Wanting to give up. Asking God what was wrong with me.  I have been battling depression and was completely oblivious of it.  

I have no idea when it started.  I only know that the cold tentacles of despair have been choking me for years. How could I not know? Me, so full of faith and trust. Was I lying to myself? Yes. Was I hiding my sadness. Most definitely. Do I have to continue doing so? Holy no!

If something goes wrong, send an e-mail to your professor immediately, documenting the exact problem and asking how you should proceed. Include your username and the course and section number.

God tells us we are to cry out to him in our time of trouble. We can tell him anything! He knows us by name!  

7 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles.

But so many times our voices are silenced by mental health issues and our vision clouded by confusion.  I would advise ANYONE suffering with mental health issues to not be silent but seek out help. Tell someone.

For me, I didn't want anyone to know. But there is hope. My husband I decided that I should seek professional help. But until that time, God is there. We may battle with illness, whether it be mental of physical, but God gave his life so that we may find strength in him. 

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Step 3. Review All of Your Answers Before Submitting the Quiz. Make sure you have not accidentally changed your response to a question or made a typographic mistake.

Oftentimes, when we pray about our situation, or take our issues to God, instead of leaving them there we take them with us, just to fret over them all over again. God doesn't tell us to cast our cares on him for nothing.  He knows in our humanness we would like to be the fixer of every situation. But in our humanness, God knows that we can't.  When we continuously try to do Gods job by carrying around our burdens, it can make us physically sick and confused. 

If we trust and have true faith in God, then how can we second guess who he is and what he says he will do if we would only ask?

6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

We also at times begin to second guess our decisions. When I went through my recent miscarriage, I blamed myself. A lot. I thought, if I had only quit my job, my baby would still be alive.  I wished desperately that I had taken the steps to quit.  But second guessing is not of God. We have to understand, that every decision, whether we think it is a good or bad decision, God is going to work it out for our good.   

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28

Step 4. When you are satisfied with the result make sure you finish by clicking the SUBMIT button at the bottom of the screen. Click the Submit Button ONLY ONCE!  After you submit the test answers, you will see a confirmation page that the test has been submitted.

I am so thankful our trials are not like tests in school or the real world. Although our trials may end, we can still thank God for all he has done for us. He tells us to count our blessings, to name them one by one. If we are strong and endure through our trials, God will exalt us, in his time. 

We have to give the Lord time.  That is one of my biggest issues. I want my result RIGHT NOW. And I try to get it myself if I don't hear from God on my time clock.  

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

It is how we wait, that makes the difference.  While we are waiting on the Lord, we should continue to praise him. Thank him for his goodness.  Be content in our situation.  I know it is hard.  I want to pull the rest of my hair out sometimes.  But I can go to God about that too. 

We can go to him as many times as we want and he will have an ear for us.  No matter what.  That is his promise. 

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Be blessed and remember:

Source: Picture Quotes.com

You Can Get Out of Bed

This week has been hard.  Only God knows the struggles I have each day within my marriage and in my family.  And everyday is a struggle just to do the right thing.  My husband said something to me yesterday that broke me down on the inside.

Parents really don't know what they do to their children.  They can crush them deep on the inside.  This is something my husband struggles with.  I hate it.  It affects everything from being a father, brother, son and husband.

It also makes me question my faith.  I keep feeling this deep, bottomless, hopeless feeling where I cannot understand why in the world are we here.

Is this it?

Why is it that some people are able to persevere and pull something from deep within to achieve the desires of their hearts and others struggle just to get out of bed? Or some people who totally don't deserve half of their success are able to enjoy their lives with not a care in the world and no regard for God at all.

Is it a curse?

I know God is real.  He has to be.  Because I could not possibly go through this much crap for nothing.

I see my life changing, my husbands too - the vision is there.  But this journey is kicking my fat behind.

Sorry for the whomp whomp feeling.

I wonder just how many wives out there seriously deal with having to build up other people with no one there to build them up?  Why did God task us with the emotional part of being human.

I lay in my bed last night saying to myself maybe it would just be easier if I died.  That longing for the pain and drained feeling just wont go away.

*sigh*

Tomorrows another day though.  So there is still time.  

And Life.

Nag Diaries 31.2 - Where are the forks?

Today has been to say the least AWFUL.  I'm so......angry and I cant for the life of me figure out why.  It's like the harder I fight for my marriage the angrier I get at my sudd-muffin.  I feel devalued and like a pathetic heaping pile of emotions.  Oversensitive is what Joyce Meyer would say.

My acid reflux is REALLY kickin my butt, SOMEONE is EATING all the silverware because our drawer is almost bare, my stupid hospital stay threw off my Ph balance and now my netherparts are out of wack and under a "supervisory warning" not to mention the fact that the sudd-muffin is throwing me hints about his needs.  WHAT???  Can you find the freaking silverware????  I really need a prozac right now and coming from me that is saying  A LOT!

Oh my goodness - where is the freaking silverware??

In the middle of writing this, I keep searching the internet for marriage advice, blogs, tips, other peoples problems, quick fixes, images – SOMETHING!

I ran across Ms. Jasmines post on Eat, Move, Write in regards to finding out things about your spouse that you never knew, how it tore you up and about being an honest blogger. 
Well that's what I took from it anyway.  She has a series called This Is What It Looks Like - which sums up the entire idea for the name of my blog. 

This is what it looks like – picture frame marriage:


But this is what it is in actuality:
So Im going to KIR and Keep it Real – this marriage sucks right now.  Yes I’m nagging (admission is the first step).  I mean would it kill my sudd-muffin to NOT have a “you're bothering me” attitude with EVERYTHING.  It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to ask him for anything.  I don’t get it.  Is it me?  Is it too much to ask for someone to do something for you with a “willing” attitude and a smile?  His response to that is, I don’t feel like doin it but I’ll do it anyway and he actually tells me that? What the fork???  I mean, because when you don’t want to help out or do something and it shows, then I would rather do it my damn self and keep it movin’.  Is it me? 

For the love of kitchens everywhere:  Forks? Spoons?  Where are they. 
Uggghhhhhhhhh!

I am working at home but having problems actually "starting" to work at home.  I don’t have a head set so I am on the phone taking unemployment statements with the HANDSET cradled between my shoulder and ear.  Shoulder hurt. Bad. 

But I need to work because I need the time and money.  So, shoulder shut-up; money – give it.  AND I need a new desk because the desk my friend so lovingly let me use is too small.  You’d think the 5 days I was in the hospital the sudd-muffin would have said:  “Oh gee, NayLahs in the hospital, let me find her a desk since I have known she would be working at home since FEBRUARY to help her out seeing as she has been sick and probably wont heal too quickly.” 

Of course all these are musings, nags, rants & Wishes of a “you got me forked up”  wife.

For. The. Love. of God.

Dark Mornings, Deep Thoughts

My Live signature is back!! Yay!! So today was the first day of my Little Fire Promise.  With my miscarriage in 2009and this new trial I faced in December 2010, something has got to give.  I know it is me. 



Crossmap.com

                             Give
I have to give more of myself
Give myself a chance
Give my body a chance
Give my body more water
Give my body more care
Give my body more exercise
Give my body a reason to live
Give my spirit more JOY!
Give my husband a reason a reason to want to be with me.......he really doesn't need much motivation but a little extra goes a long way.

Ultimately, give this baby that God will bless us a with a chance.  Notice I didn't say fighting chance.  I don't want our next child to have to fight to live unless it is something beyond my control.  My body is within my control so as I sat looking up at the ceiling I really couldn't see because I didn't have my glasses on, I fought with myself for 35 minutes before I finally got up out of that creaky, noisy bed where the coils vibrate right up under you if you pass gas, got dressed in some old clothes, put on Turbo Jam and commenced to kicking my own butt Chalene style.

Wasn't easy.  Oh what joy I felt when the DVD started to skip and then finally stopped altogether with 10 mins left out of the 45 minute workout.  I laughed, I almost cried with relief!!  I got 35 minutes of exercise in though!!  Yay!!

We Cant Keep Meeting Like This

Well so much has happened. Cant tell it all because it is hard. First I found out I was pregnant on 11-30-09. Boy oh boy. I have the name picked out and everything - Gamaliel A. Madden - Gamaliel is from the bible in the book of Acts and it means Gods Reward. Perfect name. Dont understand why I got preggo at this time but it happened. YAYYY - prenatal vitamins - hair growth - YEAH BABY!!
Flash forward to 12-25-09, stomachs been hurting for about 3 days - thought it was a bladder infection. Went to hospital anyway because I am high risk. It was not good. I waited and waited for the ultrasound tech to show me some signs of life in my belly - they never came. All that was there was an empty sac and I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum.

I have never heard of it and was so surprised about how common it is. I couldnt even talk to the doctor; my husband couldnt either. We thought we couldnt have children because we have been trying for 2 years now. It just was not meant to be. I am sad, my faith was slightly shaken and for an instant I was angry at God. But then I remembered who he was and that everything happens in season.

This situation among others brought my husband and I closer to each other and closer to God. I am thankful for life that I have and for the Joy that God has given me. I am still almost bald, still a gorgeous chunky chica and still here. To God be the Glory.

Hang in there ladies - it is always darkest before the dawn and God does his best work when it is dark in your life - he loves the night shift.

Blessed are the Meek

That was the topic in church today.  Goodness does the Lord read me like an open book and I sat there in church thinking to myself - ok, you need to humble yourself more, show more meekness, it's ok - what is happening now is just a test and Jesus will work it out.  You know all those things we are so familiar with when it comes to our faith..........I believed it as I sat there.....as I was driving home, as I walked through the front door of my house, even as I looked in the fridge for something to eat.

Then everything I thought I left at the alter somehow turned right back around, climbed up on my back and came home with me.  {sigh} If my joy is in the Lord, then why do I feel like crying?  If God is before me, then why do I feel like "my world" is against me?  I know God.  I know Jesus.  I know my faith.  What I don't know is who.I.am.  And maybe that is what the problem is.  I am not empty enough; broken enough; humble enough; meek enough; hungry enough; thirsty enough. 

I get it.  I search and search for {something goes here} that will fulfill me; placate me; satisfy me; Lord if I ever had a thorn in my fless boy is this the big one.  You know I blog, I try to trust my husband more, I try to understand my grandmother and put myself in her shoes, I think I try to be more of a friend but there has got to be something that I am missing because I should not feel this empty. 

PPO - Pity Party Over

So I will trust in the Lord, with all of my heart and dont worry so much about what I don't understand about my life.  Here are the things that I am quite sure of: 

1. I am weak but it is alright - Gods strenth IS made perfect in my weakness.
2. God does love me, He does, I know He does or else.........
3. I am blessed
4. To some he gave many talents.  I am one of the some.
5. I will Praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:  marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.  Psalm 139:14

PRAISE.
FEARFULLY.
WONDERFULLY.
MARVELOUS.

I'm Going All In

Courtesy of BigSlick Online

So I decided last month to actually stop being a bench member at church and get involved. Therefore - I went to my first Childrens Church, preview...see if you want to do this thingy...two weeks ago. I like it. I dont know if I could be a teacher though for the kids - I would rather be an assistant - I am good at "assisting", just ask my hubby:

ME: Did you apply for that job yet?
Hubby: uhhh no. I am going to do it this weekend...
ME: Dont you think you should go ahead and get it over with?
Hubby: {the look} are you nagging?
ME: Never mind - just trying to help.....

We are also going to get Girl Scouts at our church - YAYYY. My last experience with Girl Scouts was.....ummm.....well lets just say the cookie boxes were flying.  Anywho - it should be cool at the church, now if we could just figure out a way to register the girls on the days that we are at church.......

Whose House?

Woke up, jumped on the laptop, emailed my granny her confirmation number and instructions to print out her boarding passes for Monday, told my daughter twice that it was cold outside and she needed to wear a longer dress to church, my hubby jumped in the shower before me - WHAT???, started my first step in 365 Days of Purification with my Eat Right plan.......Anyway - I ate breakfast and it was off to church WITH MY HUBBY IN TOW {holy angels sound right here}, came home started my Sunday clean up which consisted of loading the washing machine with linens, vacuuming the family & living rooms and taking a break to write this blog.  Break Over.

NaLonni in Real Life Update

Well since the last time I blogged - several things have occured - let me run it down for you:

2 jobs lost, one promotion, an unemployment denial, marriage almost on the rocks, a couple of marriage ministry classes, 2 knockdown verbal slug fests, Five across the eyes - it wasn't pretty, bought our first TV that actually was more than car note, one cracked windshield, 3 speeding tickets, one black eye and a very important birthday -


other than that God is still good. I decided that the year of my 30 birthday is going to be....life changing.

Stay tuned.

Sunday

Today is Sunday and I am quite reflective. I sit here now with my eyes closed and my heart open pouding out these words to my blog because I have no one else to talk to. I cant begin to describe just how much God means to me. Everytime I think about those things that could have been and werent my spirit leaps within me. Even now, I am so joyous that my Lord sees fit to give me one more chance. Me, imperfect, with my jealously and anger, unbelief at times, confusion, sorrow - all those things I have within me and God still says - it's ok.

This weekend I painted my daughters rooom - MY DAUGHTERS ROOM! Two years ago we lived in a 4 room house and both my daughter and I slept on a sofabed for almost seven years. But God saw fit to bless us and I am thankful. So Lord if it ever seems like I dont care, or my faith is lost in the traffic of the many days that blow past me - I am still here and all Glory goes to God for keeping me.

What man is this that he would die for me so selfishly when I deserve death myself for the things I have done and thought? What man is this that comforts me at midnight and brings me joy in th emorning - the birds that sing outside my window everyday tells me of the righteousness of God - his Grace and mercy - even the birds sing to his praise. I will magnify the Lord. For too long I have been lazy and slow to give him praise. There is too much happening in this worldd right now that I cant lose focus on Who made everything and is ultimately in control. Oh Lord if you would pour out your spirit and fill my cup Lord so that I may be your servant - with everything that I am.

I often wonder why last year I lost with job with the fed goverment so unjustifably - but God lets me know that all increase comes from him and in order for me increase he has to take some things away that might make me lose focus on Him. How gracious is my Lord!

I have been trying for almost two years to have a baby because there is nothing like creating a thing, nurturing it and giving life to it. I havent gotten pregnant yet but God says to me - NaLonni, I gave you life in the form of your daughtger who is my child and your Angel. The light within her is so bright - nurture it, nurture her and see wont I pour out a blessing and fill your womb so that out of your belly will flow living water. Lord I say, thank you. I have killed at times the gift within me that you gave to every woman because I couldnt take responsibility for the sin that I had committed - so if you never bless me another child - Lord - you have done more than enough. If you never bless me for the rest of my life - I will still give all praise to you, my Lord God, who saved me.

Our Cross to Bear

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain.... Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; But God's always ready, to answer your call.... He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips, can calm every fear... Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night, But suddenly vanish, by dawn's early light... The Savioris waiting, somewhere above, to give you His grace, and send you His love.