Sunday

Today is Sunday and I am quite reflective. I sit here now with my eyes closed and my heart open pouding out these words to my blog because I have no one else to talk to. I cant begin to describe just how much God means to me. Everytime I think about those things that could have been and werent my spirit leaps within me. Even now, I am so joyous that my Lord sees fit to give me one more chance. Me, imperfect, with my jealously and anger, unbelief at times, confusion, sorrow - all those things I have within me and God still says - it's ok.

This weekend I painted my daughters rooom - MY DAUGHTERS ROOM! Two years ago we lived in a 4 room house and both my daughter and I slept on a sofabed for almost seven years. But God saw fit to bless us and I am thankful. So Lord if it ever seems like I dont care, or my faith is lost in the traffic of the many days that blow past me - I am still here and all Glory goes to God for keeping me.

What man is this that he would die for me so selfishly when I deserve death myself for the things I have done and thought? What man is this that comforts me at midnight and brings me joy in th emorning - the birds that sing outside my window everyday tells me of the righteousness of God - his Grace and mercy - even the birds sing to his praise. I will magnify the Lord. For too long I have been lazy and slow to give him praise. There is too much happening in this worldd right now that I cant lose focus on Who made everything and is ultimately in control. Oh Lord if you would pour out your spirit and fill my cup Lord so that I may be your servant - with everything that I am.

I often wonder why last year I lost with job with the fed goverment so unjustifably - but God lets me know that all increase comes from him and in order for me increase he has to take some things away that might make me lose focus on Him. How gracious is my Lord!

I have been trying for almost two years to have a baby because there is nothing like creating a thing, nurturing it and giving life to it. I havent gotten pregnant yet but God says to me - NaLonni, I gave you life in the form of your daughtger who is my child and your Angel. The light within her is so bright - nurture it, nurture her and see wont I pour out a blessing and fill your womb so that out of your belly will flow living water. Lord I say, thank you. I have killed at times the gift within me that you gave to every woman because I couldnt take responsibility for the sin that I had committed - so if you never bless me another child - Lord - you have done more than enough. If you never bless me for the rest of my life - I will still give all praise to you, my Lord God, who saved me.