Throat Tears and Bumpy Chins

Last night I had a bad dream. I was pregnant. I was so excited. I thought, finally, another chance at it again! My dream ended with me taking a pregnancy test.

The test was negative.

I woke up with tears in my esophagus and my lungs tight with asthmatic heartache.  It was 4am in the morning. 

Not only was it just a dream but my dang lungs were only working at like 75%.  Wheezing like a teapot calling for relief.

Every month it's the same thing.  I check my Woman's Log on my phone, look at the little flowers dotting the days.  They represent when I am supposed to be ovulating.  I don't really track whether or not I am in "get me pregnant" mode but I always rush to my phone to track the days when the sudd-muffin and I get together.

A quick squeeze to my boobs - check for soreness.  A fluttering of fingers over my chin - because after losing one of my Fallopian tubes, I now get acne on my chin every month when aunt flow visits.  There was one bump there.  Of course that could be attributed to the Little Debbie brownies I ate this week.  Little Debbie and not Hostess - couldn't find any dang chocolate icing donuts! 

Didn't need them anyway.

I also pay close attention to my attitude: am I a bit snappy?  Did that librarian really piss me off? Is my sudd-muffin a little too touchy right now? Did Rina's blonde moment NOT bring a laugh to my lips?  Did my sudd-muffin just give me one of those breath stealing kisses and my laughter bubbled and fell hard against his lips causing him to back away slowly in disgust?

Yes, si, Ja, Haji and yep.  It's like I took TWO pregnancy tests in one day.

Therefore, Aunt Flo is right around the corner. 

I have a plan though.

I'm going to elope. I'm going to eat lot's of period delaying foods as well as embark on a herculean athletic mission. To further delay Aunt Flo's arrival. 

Then, I will use Bing's search engine (because I need more Bing points to buy Starbucks gift cards) to look up herbs I can ingest to FURTHER delay Aunt Flo's infamous anchorage on my butt, belly and hips in the form of bloating, increased desire for junk foods and extreme fatigue.

Finally, as my body waves a long goodbye to Aunt Flo's retreating back with my middle fingers of all things, I will crawl under by bed covers.  I will purge by letting this emotional dam break to flood my pillow and mattress with the postpartum depression laced tears that have wed in the pools of my tear ducts for the last year.

Or better yet, I'm gonna just eat an Entenmann's chocolate doughnut and succumb to the inevitable. 

It all sounded fun though. 

In the middle of this post my sudd-muffin must needs to know what the heck Pit Bull means when he says "Dale". 

I could only laugh out loud as he slides his hands up and down my arm and repeats the phrase...."Dale"......- unbeknownst to him the content of this blog post.

I love my life.

Hit or MIss - Walmart Doctors Visit

The weekend of November 18 I went to the Hard Rock Casino for a MMA event.  Yes, I said MMA - Mixed Martial Arts.  My husband actually got me into this sport and I love it.  Hopefully he will get into it more like he has always wanted.  Moving along.  First, all but ONE of the casinos in the Biloxi/Gulfport area are smoking casinos.  YUCK.  I felt myself getting sick the entire time we were waiting to go into the main event area (there is NO smoking in the event room).

Next day, I woke up and my throat was hurting and my chest was chock full of phlegm. It wasn't good.  I got so bad that I had to go to the hospital.  I went, by myself to Gulfport Memorial - *smirk.  I sat there for 2 hours before I finally got up and slowly trekked my way back to my car.  I have never sat in the ER for 2 hours with wheezing and nasty phlegm and not at least get a breathing treatment.  I got nothing.

I did try to deal with the asthma and just happened to be in Walmart of all places - the retail devil that they are.  They have "The Clinic at Walmart", sponsored by of course by Gulfport Memorial Hospital. 

I was in and out of there in less than an HOUR.  What?  Not only can you get food, clothing, electronics, home products BUT wait there's more - HEALTHCARE!

The best time to go is at the end of the day or first thing in the morning.  I happened to be there at the end of the day.  No one was there which got me out of there quicker.  Needless to say, I got my meds, shot in my spot and some steroids - at Walmart - at an affordable price.

So the verdict?  It's a southern HIT in my book.  Would you visit a The Walmart Clinic?

The E Word

Ewwww - the E word. My husband and I made a pact for the time that we are going through right now. Since I am not working and he works odd hours, we decided that he would get up every morning and walk with me. So yep - I Exercised.......wasnt pretty either. We have this great neighborhood where there are at least 20 fire hydrants along our main street. Soooo, silly me all - "lose that weight" enthused decided that we should jog from hydrant to hydrant, then speed walk and so on.

Did I forget to mention that I was diagnosed with asthma about two months ago??? I was so out of breath my ears started to hurt! I really thought they were going to start bleeding from all the blood rushing around in my head.........it was horrible. Needless to say we jog between three sets of fire hydrants and my hub was worried about me so we walked all the way back....my ears didnt stop hurting until we were almost home. Jesus help me!

A Word to the wise and out of shape - going slow is not a bad idea, listen to your ears. And to this the fat brown cow saays: