Womb in My Heart

I read today about the top 25 parent bloggers who are changing the world on Babble.com.  The immediate feelings of underachievement and inadequacy flowed over me in waves. I keep telling myself - I'm not a blogger.  Really, I'm not.  I just every once in a while like to put my crazy thoughts on paper, but in this case on my electronic journal AKA - my blog. 

At age 32, the reality of my life has far exceeded my original expectations of where I thought I would be by now.  For instance, I'm fat.  Ugh, whatever.  I'm working on that.  My husband and I are STILL together - ugh, whatever God is working on that because I do love that man of mine.  Finally, I have 3 kids.  Rina, Dani and DeAhna.  Now this last part is actually right up the path of my plan.  I want 5 kids.  My body says differently.  

This hasn't been easy.  I mean, I would love to have a big headed, pretty brown eyed baby from my husband.  Twice my womb made room.  And twice I was denied  I have come to grips with that.  Although sometimes I want to go outside my apartment complex and curse those stupid moms out who keep pushing out babies with no regard to their well being or upbringing.

Then I want to slap the crap out of those same kids who disrespect and taunt their mothers which threats of calling the police or running away.

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I heard Joyce Meyer say once that you have to live a balanced life.  Now I didn't really fully understand what she meant by that because I was applying it to household chores and wifely duties.  But since I have added two beautiful girls to my family I do understand the need for balance.

My girls mother passed away this year from Cervical Cancer.  She had been sick a long time, since the oldest was 9 years old.  Day in and day out they both had to deal with having a mother who just couldn't do the things that mothers do because of her illnesses (she also had Lupus) and it was not a good environment.

How would I be able to handle a sick parent and be the only one there to take care of them?  I don't know how I would handle it.  Would I feel some resentment knowing that I had to be the adult?  That I had to miss out on my childhood to take care of someone?  I really don't know.

Which is why I am having to take a hard look at my health and the way I live day in and day out. Why would ANY child who just left a household with a sick mother want to come into a household with another sick mother - that sick mom being me?  

Granted I am not unhealthy, I don't have any illnesses related to obesity, no high cholesterol - nothing like that but little things keep popping up that I know are related to my health and living a balanced life.

I never looked at it that way until now.  I have 4 people who depend on me.  The least I can do is be there for them, living healthily.