PRESENT DAY
Grace slowly slid down the wall. Letting the tears fall. Snot was rolling down her top lip. She refused to lick it - she knew it would be salty. And sticky. Instead Grace snatched a leftover piece of paper towel from under the bed and wiped hard at her lip and nose. Immediately her lip felt hot and raw and started to swell.
Harold sat just 3 feet away from Grace staring at the floor. Once again, there was no emotion on his face.
How can he just sit there after admitting he's not in love with me anymore?? Grace thought incredulously.
"Are you going to leave?" Harold asked quietly. He held his breath, waiting for Graces' response.
"I think that would be best. I can't stay here, " Grace said weekly. On the inside she was screaming - "DONT YOU LOVE ME? DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE DAY WE MET? IN PERSON? THE SPARKS THAT FLEW?? PLEASE REMEMBER. I STILL LOVE YOU. I ALWAYS HAVE. please please remember - a small voice begged.
Strangely enough Adele's song Don't You Remember really made sense to me right now. I never thought her song written out of pain would now mirror my life.
I did remember when we met. It was well after Ronald and just after Shawn. Edward was in the picture still - in fact, Harold and I basically met because of Edward.
April 2005
Carson, CA
What can I say about Ronald. I don't even think I was attracted to him. Man he had some BEAUTIFUL eyes. He was cute. He was smart. He was a Shit-zu. No I didn't misspell that. He was a dog. The funny thing about trying to trust in God and protect your new found virtue and vagina is that there is ALWAYS some dog sniffing around to find a spot area to mark his territory.
Ronald chased. Smiled. Eyes glinted. Acted like he was interested. Of course I was disinterested, which made him more interested. Ronald was my classmate in my PC networking class.
Sitting in networking class was boring. Grace whined in her head. I didn't get it. I really didn’t get it. But, working in computers brings in the big bucks. Despite the fact that I can take copious notes, I just didn’t fragging get it. Networking. Computer networking. Just because computers come easy to someone doesn’t mean they should try to start their career in that field. First things first, I have to pass this class. Even more, I need to be on time.
Grace entered the classroom quietly trying to suppress her harsh breathing from the long trek across the parking lot. Damn student parking. God I'm sweating, I hope no one smells me, Grace thought. A class full of pleading eyes had turned in in her direction, silently praying for a much needed interruption to Professor Wengs lecturing. But it was just Grace. The eyes all shifted back to their previous viewings - Professor Weng, the wall, the floor, a nail….the intrusion coming through the door – was just another student.
Two students kept their eyes on Grace and smiled in her direction. Ronald and Rex. Ronald and Rex were Graces’ study partners. Both had a crush on her. This was sometimes used this to her advantage.
Grace all but stomped to her seat. Damn. Student. Parking.
Mr. Weng continued on about star networks. Grace tuned him out and dumped her bag on the floor.
"Hey, you late." Ronald whispered from across the table, with a crooked smile.
He was hitting on me. Again. "Duh." I say to my inner self but I smile in agreement too exhausted to get any words out.
"So, can you meet me after class?" Ronald asked. Grace acted like she didn’t hear the questions and continued to doodle her name and Ronald's question on her notebook paper. She stopped writing abruptly and shifted her eyes to Ronald's. “What?” Grace asked, allowing her brow to furrow with false confusion.
“Can I talk with you after class?”
"I'll think about it," Grace said. "It depends on how you act."
Grace knew what he wanted. It was the same thing every time. Ronald wanted to sit in the car and chat me up. I liked talking to him. Sort of.
As Grace opened her mouth to ask what Ronald wanted, Professor Weng smoothly interrupted.
"Grace, how many repeaters do you need between the central hub of a star network topology?" Professor Weng asked.
"One or more." Grace quickly said. Grace had one ear tuned to Ronald her bad ear and the other to the Professor. That was a close one. Grace grinned behind her computer screen and ignored the looks from Ronald and Rex. Class was winding down and we were supposed to be working.
I could feel Rex staring at me from across the way. Rex was a nice guy. Very intelligent. Always there for you when you need him. Not Graces type. He was always telling her to stay away from Ronald. He should talk, he was married and crushing on her. He always brought chocolate chip cookies from Panda Express. I wonder if his wife knew he brought cookies? Grace ignored him and tried to work quickly.
After class Ronald quickly gathered his books and cut Grace off at the door. “Great,” grace thought. “Now I can’t act like I forgot and leave in a hurry.” Grace walked slow and deliberate to Ronald's waiting car all the while thinking - "Go home, go home - your car is the other way!"
See women know when they are being lured to relationship death. We act like we don’t but we do. For those women out there like me, we hold out for hope that maybe, this one will be different. Maybe this one really does like me. Nothing will change if we do the deed. Everything will be all right.
In this case Grace liked Ronald enough and he gave just the right amount of attention to turn that enough into “well enough”.
Chapter 3
June 2005
Goose pimples rose on Graces flesh and her nipples hardened with the heaving of her stomach contents.
She had avoided Ronald for so long. Grace didn’t understand. She groaned inwardly. She couldn't be pregnant - by him. He already had 2 kids. I have to call him, Grace thought as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Grace prepared herself mentally. She would just tell him & get it over with. Yeah.
".......and now I have to go back to court to redo my child support order," Ronald was saying. "It will be hard on my other kids but......whew......it's something I have to do."
Men always have a way of making you feel guilty about things. If you don't want to have oral sex, their penis may fall off. If you wish them to put on a condom to protect you from the nasty they know they've been with, the possibility of "not feeling it" is laid out for you in seduction format. And if you don't want to have sex at all, then there is something desperately wrong with a woman who wishes not to feed the need in her vagina - yep, I've heard it all. But this whole child support thing took the cake.
Grace tried to keep the disgust hidden. Her top lip almost curling. I'm sorry but you may have to go to court to amend your child support order???? What. The. Hell. I may have to push out your spawn, Grace thought. And try to explain to my other child and family the results of one minute thirty seconds of awkward car sex. Ew. No. I cannot.
"Well, what if I don't want it?" Grace interrupted. Grace didn't want to have another baby, did she? She couldn't imagine being tied to Ronald for the rest of her life. But to get rid of it???!!!! Grace couldn't. Children are a gift. Grace just didn't want this one. Ronald didn't want it either.
We. Didn't. Want. It.
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