National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

In honor of this day, I wanted to re-post my story.  I try not to think too much about this but we have to break the silence as 1 in 4 women will suffer a pregnancy or infant loss in their lifetime.

December 2012

We Cant Keep Meeting Like This - Deja Vu


Well so much has happened once again.  We didn't quite have the name picked out but this time around I was 17 weeks.  I went to the ER last week for stomach pains.  I thought I was really constipated.  Turns out I have a very large fibroid on the outside of my uterus on the right side.  It was causing me tremendous pain.  My first ER visit was very painful.   The ER doctor just didn't care.  He tried to bully me into signing a consent for a CT Scan.  I was very hesitant and he just didn't care.  I eventually did sign the consent which is how the fibroid was discovered.

Uterine Fibroids are quite common in women.  Why they grow I do not know.  They can cause tremendous pain during menstruation as well as causing anemia in women.  I have had them for years.  Most of them small and not really causing any issues.  Not so true this time around.  Last Wednesday at Medical center of Arlington my doctor decided to do an exploratory surgery to see if my fibroid could be removed.  Unfortunately it could not but my appendix was taken out just to be on the safe side.  Hours later my water did break. 

My son, Garrett Aiden Madden  DAUGHTER (update update here) was born December 12, 2010.  She never took a breath.  He She never nursed at my breast.  He She never got to see my face.  He  She never got to say mama or dada.  I never got to show him how much she was loved.  My husband never got to have that fatherly pride most men feel when they have little boys  girls.  She was perfectly formed at 17 weeks.  Lips and nose just like her father. Fingers so long and beautiful.  Even now, I can see her face in my mind....so peaceful.  SHe fought hard to the end.  Kicking and moving around so much while I was in pain.  Her heartbeat was so strong the entire time I was drugged up.

I believed this time around my pregnancy would go the distance.  In some ways it did. I don't believe I was let down at all.  It just was not meant to be.  My God is still good.  I am still here and more determined then ever to get my body into shape for the next time God decides to bless us with another pregnancy.
 
Too many times women, especially women who are married don't really think anything of having kids or getting pregnant.  It is just another occurrence that happens in marriage.  God on the other hand has put a lot of thought, planning and tools in place to bring a child into this world.  Why else would it take 10 months time for a baby to form and develop?  So then why not are women more careful with their bodies in preparation to have a baby?  Often we take our bodies for granted and say, well I have never really been sick sick, so I should be OK right?  Wrong.  I have never been sick sick.  Rarely got a cold.  Only developed asthma when I moved to Texas 3 years ago.  I have been overweight for years.  Arguing with myself time and time again that I should lose weight.  Reading blogs by other Big Losers who I said inspired me but really didn't inspire me to act.  I was just wasting time.

Again I have always had fibroids but when I did have insurance, I didn't take the steps necessary to make sure they wouldn't cause me problems.   Until this.  My son Aiden was special - his name means Little Fire.  He may not have a had life outside of my womb but he did remind me of what life was and how a lighting little fire can illuminate your existence   So I can't sit around anymore making excuses for my health.  I want to have more kids with my husband and I want to be healthy doing it.  I know things do happen with our health that we cannot control.  As for the things we can control, that is where my focus will be.  I'm starting a little fire in Aidens name.  Watch me burn.

This loss will be hard for me to deal with on some days.  Today was easier than yesterday.  I am thankful for the Labor and Delivery staff at the Women's Center at MCA.  I will never forget them because they made sure we would never forget Aiden.  Blessing to them and my doctor who truly cares for me.  God is good and greatly to be praised.  He once again deserves all the Glory in this trial and pain.  This too will pass and Aiden will have the life that She deserved. 

I didn't change the baby's name - couldn't bring myself to do it once we found out it was a girl.