National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

In honor of this day, I wanted to re-post my story.  I try not to think too much about this but we have to break the silence as 1 in 4 women will suffer a pregnancy or infant loss in their lifetime.

December 2012

We Cant Keep Meeting Like This - Deja Vu


Well so much has happened once again.  We didn't quite have the name picked out but this time around I was 17 weeks.  I went to the ER last week for stomach pains.  I thought I was really constipated.  Turns out I have a very large fibroid on the outside of my uterus on the right side.  It was causing me tremendous pain.  My first ER visit was very painful.   The ER doctor just didn't care.  He tried to bully me into signing a consent for a CT Scan.  I was very hesitant and he just didn't care.  I eventually did sign the consent which is how the fibroid was discovered.

Uterine Fibroids are quite common in women.  Why they grow I do not know.  They can cause tremendous pain during menstruation as well as causing anemia in women.  I have had them for years.  Most of them small and not really causing any issues.  Not so true this time around.  Last Wednesday at Medical center of Arlington my doctor decided to do an exploratory surgery to see if my fibroid could be removed.  Unfortunately it could not but my appendix was taken out just to be on the safe side.  Hours later my water did break. 

My son, Garrett Aiden Madden  DAUGHTER (update update here) was born December 12, 2010.  She never took a breath.  He She never nursed at my breast.  He She never got to see my face.  He  She never got to say mama or dada.  I never got to show him how much she was loved.  My husband never got to have that fatherly pride most men feel when they have little boys  girls.  She was perfectly formed at 17 weeks.  Lips and nose just like her father. Fingers so long and beautiful.  Even now, I can see her face in my mind....so peaceful.  SHe fought hard to the end.  Kicking and moving around so much while I was in pain.  Her heartbeat was so strong the entire time I was drugged up.

I believed this time around my pregnancy would go the distance.  In some ways it did. I don't believe I was let down at all.  It just was not meant to be.  My God is still good.  I am still here and more determined then ever to get my body into shape for the next time God decides to bless us with another pregnancy.
 
Too many times women, especially women who are married don't really think anything of having kids or getting pregnant.  It is just another occurrence that happens in marriage.  God on the other hand has put a lot of thought, planning and tools in place to bring a child into this world.  Why else would it take 10 months time for a baby to form and develop?  So then why not are women more careful with their bodies in preparation to have a baby?  Often we take our bodies for granted and say, well I have never really been sick sick, so I should be OK right?  Wrong.  I have never been sick sick.  Rarely got a cold.  Only developed asthma when I moved to Texas 3 years ago.  I have been overweight for years.  Arguing with myself time and time again that I should lose weight.  Reading blogs by other Big Losers who I said inspired me but really didn't inspire me to act.  I was just wasting time.

Again I have always had fibroids but when I did have insurance, I didn't take the steps necessary to make sure they wouldn't cause me problems.   Until this.  My son Aiden was special - his name means Little Fire.  He may not have a had life outside of my womb but he did remind me of what life was and how a lighting little fire can illuminate your existence   So I can't sit around anymore making excuses for my health.  I want to have more kids with my husband and I want to be healthy doing it.  I know things do happen with our health that we cannot control.  As for the things we can control, that is where my focus will be.  I'm starting a little fire in Aidens name.  Watch me burn.

This loss will be hard for me to deal with on some days.  Today was easier than yesterday.  I am thankful for the Labor and Delivery staff at the Women's Center at MCA.  I will never forget them because they made sure we would never forget Aiden.  Blessing to them and my doctor who truly cares for me.  God is good and greatly to be praised.  He once again deserves all the Glory in this trial and pain.  This too will pass and Aiden will have the life that She deserved. 

I didn't change the baby's name - couldn't bring myself to do it once we found out it was a girl.

Memory Box....

I have had the memory box sitting next to my desk in my home office. I often glance down at it while I am working.  Sometimes it jumps into my line of vision as I am talking......reminding me of that time.  I don't know why I want it next to me.  Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself.  Sorry for the loss.  Or maybe I just don't want to forget what once was.  My daughter wrote a poem about him.  

I still call him "him" because that is what we were told.  That is what we know.  Some days are really easy.  I can look in the box, look at his picture and put everything back with joy in my heart.  Other times I fight back the tears.  Today was one of those days the tears won.  I snapped up "Aidans" box as soon as  I got off work.  Undid the ribbon and took out each piece to study it.  But this time I did something different.....I took pictures of each piece to digitize my memory box.  I was so thankful the women in the L&D deparwtment for giving me this.  It truly has given me peace in my hard times & joy in the harder times.

So tiny. So soon. So loved.

 

So much to say....so little motivation to say it.

How long has it been since I've blogged????  I'm not telling.  It started off as part of my Daniel Fast & then kind of nose dived into PPD & not really feeling like writing.  I still don't.  But The Rapist (my therapist just in case yall thought I was crazy - no pun intended) said, "Do what you feel brings you happiness." I don't know if this really brings me happiness per se but it does take my mind off of all the junk.

Little Fire - Pushin Forward

These last two week have been crazy.  My baby girl was whisked off to Cali on 12/17.  She got to open her gifts early!  She was really excited but it was odd, the one thing she actually fell asleep with was her Star Wars light saber......go figure.  She is so much like her daddy.  She had a hard week last week as well.  For a nine year old, she is tough. I am glad she is in a school where her teacher believes in support.  Her teacher made sure her classmates were there for her when things got a little hairy in class for Rina - and it did get hairy.  She had a breakdown but I am sooooo thankful for her teachers and classmates.  They are so loving and caring.  It is amazing. 

I am so thankful to have my husband.  Sometimes I didn't think we would stay together but through last years loss and this recent loss, I know that he loves me dearly.  He has taken care of me this week that I have been home.  Making me laugh with his oddly timed jokes.  My body may be recovering slowly but my spirit is on the fast track.

We went through Aidens keepsake box the other day.  Signed his name to his birth certificate.....put our names on it.  It was very helpful.  We cried together, Garrett and I.  We prayed and then we smiled, closed his box and put it away for another time.

8 Weeks

Well I am eight weeks pregnant and it has been horrible to say the least.  My morning sickness can rival any FLU bug.  I don't get it.  I am also SOOOOOO tired.  It is hard for me to get up sometimes.  My hubby thinks I am being lazy but I have taken more naps then a 4 year old in preschool.   There are two issues that seem to be plaguing me:

1.  My weight
2.  My diet (to be or not to be vegan)

I dunno.  I have no appetite for much of anything.  When I see beef or pork I get sick to my stomach (stopped eating it about 4 months ago) and I am overweight.  When I tell people I am pregnant the first question is, "When are you due?"  My response, "Next year...."  I'm barely 2 months but I look like I am 5 months.  Even though I have barely eaten much these last couple of weeks, I gained weight!  I don't get it.

Frustrated.  Pregnant. Queasy. It better be a boy.

Toodles!

Nag Diaries - ObGyn Visit - with a man

And this is what men do at the ObGyn....

That is the examination light........shaking my head.

Nag Diaries - ObGyn Visit - with a man

And this is what men do at the ObGyn....

That is the examination light........shaking my head.

Babies Breath

Since the big development on Monday, I have been a salad of emotions and questions!  Is this the right time, how did this happen? Is this for real?  Am I having a miscarriage?  Why couldn't my husband pay this much attention to me before?  Is Gamaliel a good name?  Do I really want to get fatter?  How am I going to lose the weight after? Where is the baby going to sleep?  Where am I going to sleep - we have no bed.  Am I going to be able to pursue acting - to at least start again?  I have no insurance, how am I going to pay for doctors visits? 

And on and on and on.  My husband told me to quit it and stop worrying.  I have to tell you this is the most confident I have ever seen him the entire almost 5 years we have been together (2 unmarried).  I mean he is actually acting like....like.....like.........ummmm..........well - a MAN.  So many times in since we have been married I have wanted him to take the initiative, be the man of the house, be involved in grown-up stuff - but it was never there - just my nagging.

But now - I don't know what to think except to just be thankful. 

I was reading my fellow bloggerina over at Women's Marriage Ministy and Aimee has some insight to the languages of men and women - blue and pink respectively and where we get those hamburgers from - you gotta read the blog to understand.  After reading her post I realized that I too need to stop jumping to conclusions with my husbands, look at a situation and SEE it for what it is, not what I assume it is.

I am very happy that my hubby is actually showing me some love now that I am preggo - not that he wasn't doing it before but it just seems like I gave him a reason to be proud to be my husband.  I know I didn't do it alone and I know this child is a miracle from God.  I can only pray that he continues to bless me and that he continues to encourage me to praise him even in the valleys. 

I look forward to the new levels of faith this journey will take me on.