It's 630am. I awoke exactly at 5am. Unable to sleep any longer. This is a hard day for me. I slept horribly. Every. Single. Thing. Woke me up. I haven't worked in almost 3 weeks. And Lord I'm scared.
I've been here before. One could say that I've built a home here. At age 17 I stopped by for a short visit. I remember I called the nurse "peppermint patty" and the whole room erupted in laughter.
At 18, it wasn't so funny. At 21, I made the decision myself. I believed it was the best thing for my life at the time.
After turning 27, dealing with a semi-broken marriage, my Lord, who knows what is best for me decided that the timing was off. I was too broken. The very next year, same month (October) at 28 years of age, low and behold, my brokenness had not yet healed and things ended.
I'm 36 now and starting to see a pattern here. October is a very popular month for me. It brings me a new year of life. My sister, nephew, father(s) as well. Countless relatives share October birthdays but October for me is when winter stealthily churns into spring.
There is a saying, every pregnancy is different. How right they are. But I never realized until this month that every miscarriage is different. Sure the main medical issues abound - a baby is lost. But the process of that loss can vary from time to time.
This time around, I am in a place of isolation. All around. No close family nearby. No "real friends" that actually care enough to come see about me. Nothing. Who, on their birthday, can seriously deal with the knowledge that they are carrying around a fetus with no heartbeat and NOT feel like dying? And to top it all off, not one single person (EXCEPT my mother) wished me a happy birthday on Facebook! As if that means anything. It doesn't.
So as I sit here, typing this post, unable to sleep, waiting to go to the hospital - I dread this dilation and curettage. As I know, that once this is done, it is truly over. And you know what is so wrong but funny at the same time, I thought to myself, "Cool, I can have a drink on my cruise to celebrate 8 years of marriage."
Is that right? Of course it is. Am I being SELFISH??? No. I am human after all. At various points of our lives we find ourselves in situations and trials that seem to overtake is. These trials sometimes bring the darkness into our lives briefly as we forget that it is God who is in control, no one else.
Miscarriage - oh that word. That word is like my silent sibling - kicking my butt secretly as I yell out to my father in objection, that it isn't fair. Did I do this? Should I have quit my job? Have I been too depressed? I mean, Lord you gave me my son - in October 2013 - what did I do now, I whine.
NO! This period of testing has just begun and we would like to think the instructions for this test are comparable to that of a test given in school or online. But oh, contraire. God gives only one instruction that covers all - Have faith.
God is with us throughout. He may be silent but he is still there. He wants to know that everything he has put in us will be put to good use.
So why should I allow the enemy to steal the joy that I have? I wont. How can I look at my daughters and son and not smile with utter happiness? I can. And why would I believe that the Lord is somehow punishing me for my past sins when his word says, that he has cast them as far as the east is from the west??? I shall not.
So, I will trust in him with this surgery. Not fall into despair. When I feel like crying, I will but I will remember that my joy is still within. I have a husband, 2 beautiful daughters and 1 handsome little boy that need me.
I will come though this, smiling and praising the Lord.
December is a hard month for me. In December 2009 and 2010 I had back to back miscarriages, the latter one was hard. I tend not to focus too much on them but sometimes I have my moments.
Today is one of those days that I wished I were pregnant. The excitement of reading my pregnancy test. The wonder of it all.
I have had the memory box sitting next to my desk in my home office. I often glance down at it while I am working. Sometimes it jumps into my line of vision as I am talking......reminding me of that time. I don't know why I want it next to me. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. Sorry for the loss. Or maybe I just don't want to forget what once was. My daughter wrote a poem about him.
I still call him "him" because that is what we were told. That is what we know. Some days are really easy. I can look in the box, look at his picture and put everything back with joy in my heart. Other times I fight back the tears. Today was one of those days the tears won. I snapped up "Aidans" box as soon as I got off work. Undid the ribbon and took out each piece to study it. But this time I did something different.....I took pictures of each piece to digitize my memory box. I was so thankful the women in the L&D deparwtment for giving me this. It truly has given me peace in my hard times & joy in the harder times.
So tiny. So soon. So loved.
My daughter recently told me of a dream she had about the baby I lost. I knew it affected her but just not this much! I let her tell me about her dream and tried not to say too much as she spoke.
Man, I thought I cried enough tears for my loss but I guess I never really paid much attention to the hurt my daughter was feeling too. She was supposed to be a sister. She was supposed to help mommy take care of the baby, baby sit, get jealous because the baby is getting all the attention, change the diaper too, hold hands while crossing the street....... All those things siblings deal with when they become"siblings" and as they grow as siblings.
The first thing you have to remember to let them know that sometimes, these things happen & there is no explanation for it. It's OK to be hurt and to cry and even scream. I would never deny my daughter her feelings - because God knows she has them. She cried with me after this loss and I am so thankful for my Angel still with me. I am looking forward to her becoming a sibling. I know that time will come. But I also need to give her room to grieve as well and shower her with as much love AND discipline as a I can.
How long has it been since I've blogged???? I'm not telling. It started off as part of my Daniel Fast & then kind of nose dived into PPD & not really feeling like writing. I still don't. But The Rapist (my therapist just in case yall thought I was crazy - no pun intended) said, "Do what you feel brings you happiness." I don't know if this really brings me happiness per se but it does take my mind off of all the junk.
Well so much has happened once again. We didn't quite have the name picked out but this time around I was 17 weeks. I went to the ER last week for stomach pains. I thought I was really constipated. Turns out I have a very large fibroid on the outside of my uterus on the right side. It was causing me tremendous pain. My first ER visit was very painful. The ER doctor just didn't care. He tried to bully me into signing a consent for a CT Scan. I was very hesitant and he just didn't care. I eventually did sign the consent which is how the fibroid was discovered.
Uterine Fibroids are quite common in women. Why they grow I do not know. They can cause tremendous pain during menstruation as well as causing anemia in women. I have had them for years. Most of them small and not really causing any issues. Not so true this time around. Last Wednesday at Medical center of Arlington my doctor decided to do an exploratory surgery to see if my fibroid could be removed. Unfortunately it could not but my appendix was taken out just to be on the safe side. Hours later my water did break.
My son, Garrett Aiden Madden DAUGHTER (update update here) was born December 12, 2010. She never took a breath. He She never nursed at my breast. He She never got to see my face. He She never got to say mama or dada. I never got to show him how much she was loved. My husband never got to have that fatherly pride most men feel when they have little boys girls. She was perfectly formed at 17 weeks. Lips and nose just like her father. Fingers so long and beautiful. Even now, I can see her face in my mind....so peaceful. SHe fought hard to the end. Kicking and moving around so much while I was in pain. Her heartbeat was so strong the entire time I was drugged up.
I believed this time around my pregnancy would go the distance. In some ways it did. I don't believe I was let down at all. It just was not meant to be. My God is still good. I am still here and more determined then ever to get my body into shape for the next time God decides to bless us with another pregnancy.
Too many times women, especially women who are married don't really think anything of having kids or getting pregnant. It is just another occurrence that happens in marriage. God on the other hand has put a lot of thought, planning and tools in place to bring a child into this world. Why else would it take 10 months time for a baby to form and develop? So then why not are women more careful with their bodies in preparation to have a baby? Often we take our bodies for granted and say, well I have never really been sick sick, so I should be OK right? Wrong. I have never been sick sick. Rarely got a cold. Only developed asthma when I moved to Texas 3 years ago. I have been overweight for years. Arguing with myself time and time again that I should lose weight. Reading blogs by other Big Losers who I said inspired me but really didn't inspire me to act. I was just wasting time.
Again I have always had fibroids but when I did have insurance, I didn't take the steps necessary to make sure they wouldn't cause me problems. Until this. My son Aiden was special - his name means Little Fire. He may not have a had life outside of my womb but he did remind me of what life was and how a lighting little fire can illuminate your existence. So I can't sit around anymore making excuses for my health. I want to have more kids with my husband and I want to be healthy doing it. I know things do happen with our health that we cannot control. As for the things we can control, that is where my focus will be. I'm starting a little fire in Aidens name. Watch me burn.
This loss will be hard for me to deal with on some days. Today was easier than yesterday. I am thankful for the Labor and Delivery staff at the Women's Center at MCA. I will never forget them because they made sure we would never forget Aiden. Blessing to them and my doctor who truly cares for me. God is good and greatly to be praised. He once again deserves all the Glory in this trial and pain. This too will pass and Aiden will have the life that She deserved.
I didn't change the babys name - couldn't bring myself to do it once we found out it was a girl.
