I've been here before. One could say that I've built a home here. At age 17 I stopped by for a short visit. I remember I called the nurse "peppermint patty" and the whole room erupted in laughter.
At 18, it wasn't so funny. At 21, I made the decision myself. I believed it was the best thing for my life at the time.
After turning 27, dealing with a semi-broken marriage, my Lord, who knows what is best for me decided that the timing was off. I was too broken. The very next year, same month (October) at 28 years of age, low and behold, my brokenness had not yet healed and things ended.
I'm 36 now and starting to see a pattern here. October is a very popular month for me. It brings me a new year of life. My sister, nephew, father(s) as well. Countless relatives share October birthdays but October for me is when winter stealthily churns into spring.
There is a saying, every pregnancy is different. How right they are. But I never realized until this month that every miscarriage is different. Sure the main medical issues abound - a baby is lost. But the process of that loss can vary from time to time.
This time around, I am in a place of isolation. All around. No close family nearby. No "real friends" that actually care enough to come see about me. Nothing. Who, on their birthday, can seriously deal with the knowledge that they are carrying around a fetus with no heartbeat and NOT feel like dying? And to top it all off, not one single person (EXCEPT my mother) wished me a happy birthday on Facebook! As if that means anything. It doesn't.
So as I sit here, typing this post, unable to sleep, waiting to go to the hospital - I dread this dilation and curettage. As I know, that once this is done, it is truly over. And you know what is so wrong but funny at the same time, I thought to myself, "Cool, I can have a drink on my cruise to celebrate 8 years of marriage."
Is that right? Of course it is. Am I being SELFISH??? No. I am human after all. At various points of our lives we find ourselves in situations and trials that seem to overtake is. These trials sometimes bring the darkness into our lives briefly as we forget that it is God who is in control, no one else.
Miscarriage - oh that word. That word is like my silent sibling - kicking my butt secretly as I yell out to my father in objection, that it isn't fair. Did I do this? Should I have quit my job? Have I been too depressed? I mean, Lord you gave me my son - in October 2013 - what did I do now, I whine.
NO! This period of testing has just begun and we would like to think the instructions for this test are comparable to that of a test given in school or online. But oh, contraire. God gives only one instruction that covers all - Have faith.
God is with us throughout. He may be silent but he is still there. He wants to know that everything he has put in us will be put to good use.
So why should I allow the enemy to steal the joy that I have? I wont. How can I look at my daughters and son and not smile with utter happiness? I can. And why would I believe that the Lord is somehow punishing me for my past sins when his word says, that he has cast them as far as the east is from the west??? I shall not.
So, I will trust in him with this surgery. Not fall into despair. When I feel like crying, I will but I will remember that my joy is still within. I have a husband, 2 beautiful daughters and 1 handsome little boy that need me.
I will come though this, smiling and praising the Lord.
No comments:
Post a Comment