Nag Diary 26.9 - Comic Book Hope

The other day I found a journal I bought the summer after I graduated from high school (1999).  It is a Wonder Woman Journal.  I bought it from Walgreens I think in Los Angeles.  I found a lot of poetry I wrote in it, songs from my friends I met at Shakespeare Festival LA/Will Power to Youth that year, letters from them, drawings, the angst of a young girl trying to find herself, falling in love, fighting in love & losing in love over the span of 6 years.

It wasn't pretty.  It was downright butt ugly.  God I was a love sick dog with like 3 legs, limping down the road of despair.  I was stupid.  I allowed myself to be insanely jealous, dumb & weak.  I allowed myself to be abused.  He was horrible.  He didn't love me.  He didn't even care.  To think I cheated on my high school loser boyfriend to get with another loser whom I thought was my "moon and stars" as the Khaleesi would say.  He wasn't.  But he gave me the sun which I am most thankful for.

I went through 4 boyfriends in that journal - FOUR - as well as like 5 years of college in that one journal AND I found an entry where I had a miscarriage in February 2000.  I had forgotten.  It red ink spread all over the page around the picture of Wonder Woman in the jaws of some type of Jurassic monster with lots of teeth.

WOW.  Seeing that was like a shot to the chest.  I cant believe I had forgotten.  I cant believe my mind was so messed up back then & still is.  The pain and confusion in my writing was so heavy.  But the thing that really threw me for a loop was that it was the same ole same ole issues.  Low self esteem, indecision, self-hate - self pity.  Those same things that I struggle with now as a wife & mother.  Over 10 years later.  Same old crap.  Sd how do I deal? How to I leave these emotional wounds behind & finally get to the point of scabs & then finally scars?

I was watching Joyce Meyers message on emotional healing.  She pointed out that self-pity is the same as idolotry.  How right she is. I've read countless times in the bible & on blogs, the best medicine to heal your sorrow is to help someone else; focus on someone elses issues because there is always another person in a predicament worse than you.  God I hope that's true.  It has to be or everything I have been through has been for nothing.  I will be damned before I let that happen.

Nag Diaries - HO HUM....SAME OLE...TATTERED DRUM

And the beat goes on.  I found another one last night.  Another remnant of one humans weakness.  It lodged in the back of my throat and slowly made it's trek down, slashing jagged holes in my esophagus as it went - allowing all the air to escape from my lungs.  I couldn't breath. Again.

God I am so embarrassed to even talk about this. 
I want to talk about it but then I would be exposing the darkest, saddest place of my marriage to people I know and don't know.  I have to believe I am not the only one.  In fact, I KNOW I am not the only one.  But dang.  Shoot!  Crap.  The forks are still missing by the way. 

I don't think I can do it. 

What I can say is, I hate it.  The knowing.  The feeling that I am may be reliving 2009 and my Waiting to Exhale - Angela Bassett moment.  God - it hurts.  I don't know what it is with him.  I think I am an AWESOME wife.  I bust my butt.  I support 100%.  I am the most understanding woman you wanna get into an argument with.......oh God - their back.

Low Self Esteem and Self-pity just barged right on in through that open door.  Ok, this is me shooing them right back out or did they not get the memo?

I am home by myself today.  I worked for a while.  I washed my hair and slicked it back into a puff ball pony.  I'm still going bald but not willing to shear everything off again.  I feel good though without my hat.  Now I sit here about to shove some pizza down the pie hole and.....do what?  yeah.  I thought so.

WOW

I am speechless, I am humbled, I am inspired, I am hopeful, I am a piece of history, I am one of the millions of men and women who thought that it wasnt possible. But to God be the Glory. The bible says the meek shall inherit the earth.......my God the earth is the Lords and the fullness thereof - who ever thought that Gods words would ring true. For some this feat is trivial, something to be mocked and downplayed but when I think about my grandmother who remembers the white only signs, when I think about my grandmother and the horrible, horrible way she was treated as a little black girl growing.......I cant help but to well up inside with hope everlasting.

My God is good, my God is truth, my God keeps his promises and gives hope to the hopeless. This is the beginning of many "firsts" to come. Lord, I see hope in your people, I see hope in what you died for and hope that it will ring true in the hearts of many - LOVE. I am full - I am overflowing - I am joy personified.